What started out as an idiotic suggestion in a back-room meeting at the Governor’s office turned into a decision hailed by constituent pet owners as the most brilliant to date from the Cuomo administration. Reeling from a corruption investigation investigating his own corruption commission, Governor Cuomo today announced a decision to revive the Moreland Commission which he disbanded only months ago halfway into its assignment. Predictably, no person of stature cared to take part due to fears of state retribution and no court willing to provide justice.
Citing monarchial immunity from New York’s pre-Revolution Constitution, Cuomo is alleged to have issued edicts to the effect that his taxpayer financed corruption commission should be focused upon everyone but himself. When that position backfired, one staffer suggested that two felines be appointed to co-chair the new commission. Outraged over this idea, Cuomo is said to have responded, “How am I gonna control things my way with a couple of (expletive) cats heading up this (expletive) commission which got me into all this trouble in the first place?”
However, when the staffer explained the logic behind it, a desperate Governor began to listen intently, smiling and nodding in stock fashion until his enthusiastic support was given. If there is one thing the public knew about cats, they cannot be controlled by anyone. Quietly strutting around homes all across America, these family favorites do essentially nothing while getting free meals at their beckon meow. As the astute staffer put it, “these kitties got it better than welfare recipients, and their independence is beyond question. This Bharara character has no chance if the idea catches on Andy.”
And so it went at a news conference held at Cuomo’s summer retreat in the CATskill Mountains. It was a startling scene which had one Times reporter choking on his hour glass. Two attractive felines were placed on a table next to the podium as the Governor announced his new co-cats. Their resumes were indeed impressive, offered by a concerned couple tired of hearing about government corruption. No criminal background, no ties to any politician, and a wit to make anyone laugh. Introduced from right to left were Dr. Cocoa Katz and District Attorney Charmin Whiskers. The Governor explained his decision before opening the floor to the media through a cat interpreter. An AP correspondent was the first to stand up.
“Governor, not for nothing, but a pair of cats to head up the new Moreland Commission? Have you finally lost your marbles?”
“Look John, you guys are always hounding me about ethics and independence. Now you got nothing on me with these cats. Why don’t you direct your questions to them?”
“Okay, then, kitties, tell us more about this Commission. Will both major political parties be represented among its members?”
After a moment of intense silence, Dr. Katz began to meow the responses to all questions while an interpreter translated everything to an unprecedented gathering of dignitaries. In contrast, Attorney Whiskers simply looked over this audience with only passing interest.
“Of course both parties, the felines AND the canines, will be represented on this new Commission. We also intend to have participants from major third parties such as the Feathered Friends Party and the Fins and Crawling Things Party. In fact, Attorney Whiskers and I have already suggested a Siberian Husky and Golden Retriever to join us as co-chairs, but we cannot interfere with the other party’s decision-making authority.”
A CBS news team was quick to seize upon this leak of information to craft a flaw in the new Commission for an eager national viewing audience. “So what you’re saying then is that there’s already some in-fighting going on with the other political party?”
“Not at all. Like our party, they follow the democratic process. Right now they’re in the midst of an election involving two dogs named Peanut and Quasimodo. Apparently they won some kind of ugly dog contest out in California, and we’re told that beauty must be followed by the beast if the politicians are going to take us seriously. It’ll put more teeth into our final report if you get my drift. When they decide, you’ll be the first to know.”
“What will the Commission be investigating?” asked a reporter from the New York Post.
“The usual things: stray cats, abused dogs, animal shelters and more federal funding for sanitary parks. As long as the other party is still voting, we’re looking to commission a study on why our canine counter-parts can’t use litter boxes like we do.”
“What does any of this have to do with corruption at the state Capitol?” asked a USA Today journalist.
“For decades now, the public has watched elected leaders taking dumps all over our halls of government. They come up with all kinds of ways to control our behavior while making a mockery of their own. Soon there’ll be nothing left of our Constitution. The people are tired of cleaning up their mess with our hard earned taxes. So we’ve got to clean up this mess once and for all. We’re the cats to do it. If we can figure a way to get a dog to use a litter box, it’ll provide valuable insight for making politicians do the same.”
“You know, this new Moreland Commission is beginning to sound quite productive and trustworthy,” concluded a reluctant observer from another news organization. “Will you remain committed to the end, or can we expect more of the same?”
“I can assure you that we will be purrrr- suing every complaint. Look, the people are fed up to their gills with all this corruption. They’re getting the impression that no one can be trusted to govern their affairs. One of our members is so upset that you guys are calling him the Grumpy Old Cat. That’s why Andy came up with this fantastic idea for us to head up his new Commission. That Grumpy Cat is being considered for our director’s spot, and you gotta admit, he looks a heck of a lot better than the last one.”
“I got a question,” asserted an eager reporter. “What about the other co-chair? He hasn’t mewed about anything here. Doesn’t he have an opinion?”
All eyes were suddenly fixed upon the other cat who until this point had demurred entirely to his partner for the answers. Indifferent to the attention he never sought, Attorney Whiskers finally spoke up…
“Hey, do I look like I care about any of this? I’m just here for the cat food.”