Now this is funny: Hillary Clinton Holds News Conference Overwhelmed by Fact Checkers

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By Leon R. Koziol, J.D.

It was something no one expected: a politician truly inaccessible by media because  she got surrounded by a wall of fact checkers. Hillary Clinton was giving her Convention strategy at a news conference in Hartford, Connecticut.

It was held after she she finally ended a streak of primary victories by Bernie Sanders in her (not quite) home state of New York. If it hadn’t been for Hillary’s Vermont Wall, a previously unknown senator from that state would not be giving her such a challenge for president.

As a reporter for Leon Koziol.com, I was determined to penetrate the fact checkers and become the first to get breaking news. So down on all fours I went squirreling my way toward the podium armed with a politician compass (operating on mouth vibrations), my I-phone 6, and Michelle Fields repellent.

I was doing good, the vibrations were off the chart. If my dad could do this to escape a Nazi war camp, it would be a ‘crawl in the park’ for me. That’s when I came across a familiar pair of green sneakers. Recognizing their owners, Ed Ryan, my good friend, I quickly rose to to greet him.

“Lee what the hell you doing here?” he laughed loudly as I tried to compose myself. “And what’s with the I-phone, skirt checking? You know guys are going to prison for that these days.”

“Come on, Ed, you know better. I was trying to avoid Michelle Fields. Besides what are guys not getting arrested for these days?”

“Point taken. Who’s Michelle Fields, another stalker? You got no luck in women, Lee. You should just stick with the ones at White Lake. They’re pretty hot and at least they’re normal…  I think.”

Ed laughed aloud again as he was accustomed to doing, even at his own comments. He was my social consultant at a place called White Lake Inn, a popular restaurant and country rock bar in New York’s Adirondack Mountains.

Everyone liked Ed. If he didn’t like you, a psychiatric evaluation was probably on your calendar. At White Lake, it was All-American, everybody liked everybody, it didn’t matter who you were. World issues were resolved there. The laughs and suds were often on the house.

“No Ed, she’s the Breitbart reporter fired for that complaint against Trump’s campaign manager, Cory Lewandowski,  because he touched her at a crowded rally. It was an assault charge that got thrown out.”

“I know you never lost a criminal case, but don’t tell me you’re a lawyer for Trump now.”

“No, you’re missing my point, it’s the feminist idiocracy taking over our government. I’m representing common sense. What kind of cops or military is equal rights gonna bring us if reporters get so sensitive. Michelle got swindled… Oh never mind, I’m just trying to…”

“(Interrupting) And I thought you didn’t care much for rock concerts, Lee. I’ve been standing in this line ever since I saw the advertisement for Bad Company off I-95. I love this band! Maybe Max and Kelly  will be the opening act.”

It would be hard as the bearer of bad news. Ed seemed so excited, but someone had to tell him. Such an easy-going guy, that alone was appealing to most. As he explained, it was because he never married or had kids. His job as a school counselor gave him all the craziness to last a lifetime.

“Ed this isn’t a rock concert for Bad Company. It’s a news conference for Hillary Clinton. That giant sign was put up by Bernie Sanders, her opponent. They’re probably referring to all the billionaires and corporate donors to her campaign.”

He grimaced in semi-disbelief. “No f-ing way. I hate politicians, except maybe Donald Trump. He’s got balls and funny as shit. You know this whole country’s going to hell unless he gets elected. I would still wait if he was here.”

“Well then do me a favor, tall as you are, put me on your shoulders so I can get my I-phone on Hillary’s speech. They’re trying to get an answer for her lies about Benghazi. She wants to be commander-in-chief but got our soldiers in harm’s way. If she does her usual dance routine, I’m outta here.”

Never embarrassed but highly disappointed, Ed agreed. He dutifully hoisted me and I began zooming in. Her remarks were directed against Donald Trump which gave Ed some solace for his blunder. Hillary was the anti-Christ as far as he was concerned. At least that’s the way he explained Sanders’ visit with the Pope back home.

“Who is Donald Trump to talk about success?” the candidate railed. “Win, win, win…  blah, blah, blah. Well I got success and I know how to win too. Take the Whitewater scandal, I won, my village on how to raise everyone’s children, and Bill’s infidelities, I won again. Now they got this e-mail thing going. I’m still winning.”

“But now you want to be president, Hillary,” interrupted a fact checker. “That last scandal is not small potatoes, it involves our military overseas.”

“Hey the American public could care less if I mix my grocery bills with nuclear secrets. Besides it’s the FBI against our Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, on this federal crime, and everyone knows she’s my feminazi friend. No one’s above the law except me. I got it all covered folks, untouchable just like Bill. By the way he really did not have sex with that woman. I was there at the White House and we did not turn it into a whore house.”

Disgusted, and given the long trip we made, I had to yell out a question from the media entourage relegated to the rear. It wouldn’t be the first time I did it. Ed buckled a bit underneath me with the crowd pushing on all sides. But if he could manage to stand his ground all those years at White Lake Inn, this would be no problem.

“So what about Donald Trump’s campaign platform,” I shouted, “pretty consistent wouldn’t you say? He’s sounding more presidential by the day, how do you respond to his bullet point plan?”

“There you guys go again with bullets, gun rights and the Second Amendment. I got an answer for Trump’s high tech lie detector system. I got so many lies, I can keep him and the media so busy they will never keep up. I just move on to my next lie before his detectors go off. There’s never been anyone like me.”

“And there will never be, at least not at the White House, Hillary, because we’re all voting for Trump. Come on Ed, let’s get back to White Lake. Brian and Joe make more sense than this politician does.”

Suddenly all of Trump’s lie sirens were sounding off to a point where they were drowning out Hillary’s shrill voice. “No, come back I’m not done lying yet. Have you heard about my Vermont Wall?”

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